


I saved every letter you wrote me

by Irrelevantrelevancy



Category: Hamilton - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Lams - Freeform, Letters, M/M, Reynolds Pamphlet, cannon deaths, mentions of self harm, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-29
Updated: 2019-02-05
Packaged: 2019-10-18 14:02:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 2,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17582258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irrelevantrelevancy/pseuds/Irrelevantrelevancy
Summary: Hey guys! This is what happens when I get bored





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This is what happens when I get bored

_August 31st 1782_

_My beloved Laurens,_

_I received a letter from your father today that I can not help but believe is a cruel trick. Your father was never fond of me so I find it perfectly In his capability to pull one as horrid as this. Please write back as soon as possible addressing your place of resignation so that I may see you. This is an urgent matter so please do not be long._

_Forever yours,_

_Alexander_


	2. Chapter 2

_September 17th 1782_

_My beloved Laurens,_

_When I said that the matter was urgent I meant it. Jack I have not heard from you since the war and I am growing increasingly worried everyday. I am ashamed to admit it but I sit and wait at the door for the mail like a maiden in distress. This is placing stress on not only me but Eliza as well. I will allow the grievance of stress for myself but not for my Betsy, she is with child. The gender we are not quite sure of but she is content and that is all that mattered. Imagine jack, starting a family together. If only the world were more accepting of a sin as cardinal as ours. It appears I am rambling again, you would know it best. Please write to me soon._

_Forever and undoubtedly yours,_

_Alexander_


	3. Chapter 3

_September 25th 1782_

_My precious Jack,_

_The war is over now my love, you can come out of hiding, you can come home. I have not the knowledge if you are receiving these but I will keep writing. I refuse to believe the insanity your father spouted back in August. You can not die John, you were not designed for such a cruel fate. You burn so bright with passion and desire, you are a fighter. I am no genius on the lord and whom he takes but he would be a fool to take someone as revolutionary as you. You my dearest were meant to change the world, by the grace of god you can not be dead. Please write back soon John, stay alive._

_Eternally yours,_

_Alexander_


	4. Chapter 4

_October 6th 1782_

_My John,_

_It appears for once in my life I am wrong. The general paid Eliza and I a visit the week before last. It was strange occurrence, he is always quite stoic but never somber. He stated that there was an annoyance amongst the post men, they will not accept letters addressed to you. I of course did myself the disservice of asking why, the general looked at me with pity. He said and I will put it in quotation marks “they do not deliver mail to deceased persons”. I do not remember what happened after that, I am not sure I want to. The days following that I was not the same, I do not think I can ever been the same. Eliza thinks she can console me with her biblical verses and soothing hand, how naive she is. I now begin to question if there is a god, if there is he is selfish. Heaven is always looking for angels and you my love are most angelic but could he not find a different one? Could he not turn the other cheek like he has for me my entire life? I think this god is merciless, I could care less how blasphemous this is. This god has taken every single person I have ever loved, I thought he had his fill after my dear cousin. Despite all the familial deaths I have experienced, this one has to be the worst of all. I had you to myself a mere six years but those six years brought me a life time of happiness I never thought was achievable. After the hurricane in Nevis I only saw the world for what it was, a cruel, disgusting place. The quill feels heavy in my hand, I have space out and lost my train of thought. In short Laurens, I am disgusted by everything but yourself._

_Forever and faithfully yours,_

_Alexander_


	5. Chapter 5

_January 24th 1782_

_My deeply beloved,_

_I am sorry for not writing more frequently, I have become busy beyond my wildest dreams. Angelica and Margarita are over for the time being, on January 22nd the babe was born. We decided to call him Philip after her father, it seems like such a strong name for a small baby. We have resulted in referring to him as the babe or pip affectionately. It appears we have created a copy of myself, his hair is red as flame and his eyes mirror mine. I am not sure whether to feel pride or pity for him. Eliza is absolutely smitten with him, same for Angelica and Margarita. I have never seen the appeal in newborns, they all look alike. I play along as the happy father though for her sake, the doting grows tiresome._

_P.s. I promise I only bed her for the sheer purpose of children, my pleasures and many of my vices died along with you_

_Forever yours,_

_Alexander_


	6. Chapter 6

_March 1st 1779_

_My dearest Alexander,_

_A most joyous anniversary my love, I know I have already spent the day with you but I would like to reflect. We both woke at dawn and made our way down to the pastures on horseback. You will always refuse it but you clung to the horse like your life was dependent on it. “This steed is too high!”You cried as the horse cantered gayly. I can not help but to still snicker at the memory, you were riding a pony my dearest. One of the many reasons I love you, you despise horses but still you went on this ride with me. I have not a clue how you will survive in service, I fear the general has not told you that we will be traveling on horse. I digress, all I want to say is thank you for making me happy beyond my wildest dreams. I know the world may never agree with us for who we are but you will always be my Alex. You have made these three years the best of my lifetime. If I were to die now these memories would keep me content wherever I resign in the afterlife._

_Yours forever,_

_Jack_

 

Alexander let a smile grace his face as he held the letter between trembling fingers. Eliza was asleep as he leaned over the bed holding a candle to the letter, it was still dark out. The babe was cuddled against her side snoring gently.

”Happy anniversary darling”Alexander whispered. The flame flickered close to the parchment, one miscalculated twitch and the letter would be left aflame. A mere memory of what was and what used to be. _Maybe things would be better that way_ Alexander thought. _Maybe I can move on._


	7. Chapter 7

“Alexander what have you done!”Eliza choked out. He let out a pitiful huff as he held the blade between his fingers, things were better this way.

 

“Betsy-“he started.

 

“No.”she stated holding a hand up. “I do not wish to know, dinner is almost ready. I expect you to be present”she said firmly. With a flourish of her house gown she left the bathroom. Alexander flicked the blade away with a sigh and staggered to the washstand. It was filled with cool water, he washed his arm firmly with a muslin cloth. He scrubbed until his arm was numb and he was satisfied. He wrestled with the thought of bandaging himself. _I do not deserve it_ he thought. He pondered for a few moments before inevitably giving in. _John would want me to_ he thought. Moments later realization flooded his senses, _the children can not see me in such a state_. He quickly wrapped his arm with no grace nor mercy. He held his head down in shame as he walked to the study, he couldn’t hide the blood staining his sleeves. _This shirt isunsalvagable_ he thought with a heavy sigh. _I am ruinous_.

 

He pushed open the door and ripped off his shirt with no regard. He shut the door behind him and locked it throwing the key haphazardly onto the desk. He could feel the bruises blossoming around his ribcage. He picked up the quill and dipped in frantically into the ink pot.

 

_October 1791_

_My dearest Laurens,_

_I regret to inform you that I have been unfaithful. I know the only appropriate punishment is to be hung but I have done myself a decent lashing. Ten daily since the event, I have been praying for your forgiveness nightly since the event. I picked a fight with a man twice my size and I let him have at it, I am sure my rib is broken but no amount of pain can amount to what I have caused you and Betsy. I have sullied our good name for my benefit, I am a foolish, selfish man. I am undeserving of dearest Eliza’s affections and the ones we shared those many years ago. I have never prayed before but I beg the lord to damn my soul to hell, I deserve to burn for my insolence. I can write as many apologies as I please but they will never be enough. I have already told Betsy so I thought it was only fair that you know as well._

_Forever in your debt and undeserving of your affections,_

_Alexander_


	8. Chapter 8

_November 28th 1801_

_My dearest Laurens_

_I dare never say these words aloud but I am ruinous. Do you recall the babe I wrote to you about nineteen years ago? He had grown into a fine young man, capable of greatness. I only regret passing down my insufferable pride, he had gotten into a duel with George eacker over my honor. I can not bear to pen the details as the grief is still fresh but the babe now lay in a casket. At least he is with the lord and no longer worries about mortal sufferings, I am thinking of moving uptown. It is rather quiet uptown, I remember in our youth we had dreams of ditching the war and running away together. Moving uptown always crossed my mind, quiet, no gossip, no one talks and no one would question. We could have had a quaint little life if you had not lost yours. I dare not show it on my face but I grieve deeply for my boy such a bright boy, gone too soon at the hands of my foolish direction. I wish your loving hand to guide him gently to heaven, quell his fears, tell him I will see him soon_

_Forever in your debt and undeserving of your affections,_

_The bastard_

 

Alexander finished penning the letter with a shaky hand, he waited for the ink to dry. As soon as it did he opened his desk and pulled out medium mahogany box. He folded the letter neatly and tied it tight, he was starting to run out of space. _Good_ he thought. _I won’t need much more._


	9. Chapter 9

“Alexander”Eliza said throwing the door to the study open. He barely lifted his head at the sound. She sighed and placed an envelope on the table.

 

“A letter back from 1777, the Marquis sent it in the mail...it is from John”she said softly. Alexander lifted his head blindly and grabbed the envelope ripping it open.

 

_May 1st 1777_

_My dearest Alexander,_

_You have been my closest friend this past year, I have told you secrets that I have not even told my own family. The feelings you provoke are ones of safety and one of trust, after my unfortunate childhood I thought I would never be able to trust again, but you have changed that. I say with a heavy but free heart that my feelings have changed quite drastically. I can not help but to view you the same I would a maiden, come to think of it no maiden I have ever met even holds a candle to your beauty. I am no poet but if you my dearest Hamilton would hear me out that would be be enough. I remember the day you came from Nevis, you were small and frail, I did not expect much out of you. I thought your Caribbean functioning body would fail the moment you experienced a winter, but you lived. You fought and you fought and in that moment I knew what drew me to you, it was your drive. You jumped on a table in a bar in a city you just came to know sharing your viewpoints with the world! I rarely use exclamation points as I deem in childish but I can not help but to feel so giddy. Then of course I noticed your beauty, my dearest Alexander you are the most beautiful of all Gods creations. I mean not to flatter you, everything I say is true. My dear I have never seen eyes so blue, I look into your eyes and it seems only the sky and heavens combined are the limit. They hold so much hurt and sorrow but they also hold immense strength. I have never seen a diamond with my own two eyes but I am positive your eyes shine more brightly. Oh dear I am afraid that sentence was not grammatically correct, the thought of you often makes me forget myself. I know red hair is a most undesired trait to have and you loathe it but I find it quite endearing. It is as fiery as your person, now that was a lame comparison but I remind you I am no poet. As adorable as you look with it pulled back in a queue I much prefer when you wear it freely on your shoulders. It softens your face and takes away the jaded look you always wear, I wish you would smile more. Making you smile is a daily accomplishment even if I make an ass out of myself to do it. The amount of times I have tripped over ‘uprooted’ cobblestone to see you laugh is far too many for any sane man. The question is am I sane? I harbor such feelings for a man, I should feel disgusted with myself, I should repent but god damn it I can not bring myself to. Alexander Hamilton I love you like the sun loves the moon, it is so rare and so uncompromising but that is why we have eclipses! My mother would tell me when I was a babe the story about how much the moon loved the sun. The moon loved the sun so fiercely it would die every night to let the sun live another day. I know that I rather extreme but Alexander you burn and shine as bright as the sun and I would be honored to be your moon. I know this is no traditional courtship, I know how terribly wrong this can go but I do not care any longer. I long to feel you in my arms, to you hold you tight, to listen, to love, to dwell in the pleasures of flesh and worship you for your body deserves to be worshipped. I see the way you look at the other townsmen, they are all tall and stocky but you my dear just have a more feminine beauty which is not wrong. You are small but you fit perfectly when I hug you, your lips pucker and pout beautifully, one bat of your lashes and I am on my knees ready to serve you in anyway you need. I am aware this letter is lengthy, I feel like you now. There is no amount of words that can describe how much I love you. If being shown is more to your liking, meet me in the forest behind the tavern._

_Yours faithfully,_

_John_

 

Alexander shuddered and for the first time let out a heart wrenching sob. Eliza sighed softly and took a seat next to him rubbing his back.

 

“I know how much he had meant to you”she said.

 

“No betsy...you do not”he said shakily. She would never know how much John truly meant to him, his moon and he was the sun. Burning hot with desire and overbearing, a ball of complete and utter destruction.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little fluff before I hurt y’alls feelings

_December 25 1781_

_My dearest Alexander,_

_Merry Christmas my dear_

_December 25 1781_

_My dearest Laurens,_

_Merry Christmas love_

_December 25 1781_

_My dearest Alexander,_

_How are you?_

_December 25 1781_

_My dearest Laurens,_

_My darling, I am quite fond of you but you are so peculiar. Why are we exchanging letters if you are right next to me?_

_December 25 1781_

_My dearest Alexander,_

_That failed to answer my question_

_December 25 1781_

_My dearest Laurens,_

_I am well dear_

_December 25 1781_

_My dearest Alexander,_

_Good, I am glad_

_December 25 1781_

_My dearest Laurens,_

_We are wasting all of my paper dearest, why are we doing this_

_December 25 1781_

_My dearest Alexander._

_Memories my dearest, memories._

_December 25 1781_

_My dearest Alexander,_

_I love you Lexi_

_December 25 1781_

_My dearest Laurens_

_I love you too jack, come here_


End file.
